How are you?
...And honestly... how are you?
I have to confess it's been a hard couple of weeks over here.
Maybe it's the change in the season. A cold wet grey day doesn't call us outside with a promise of sunlight and birdsong and the sweet smell of bluebells. Connecting to nature has a different quality now - it requires more commitment, just as we have less energy to spare. It's harder to pull ourselves away from the screens that provide our daily focus, work, relaxation and human contact.
Home-schooling seems harder this time - the workload heavier, the expectations higher, the struggle more familiar. The teachers I've connected with are supportive - and they're also overwhelmed. They're busy trying to find a way to teach online that works for everyone, when meeting so many diverse needs - and fulfilling the government’s bizarre education demands - isn't really possible.
Amongst all that, I'm finding less space for the kids and I to breathe. Less space to take the daily walk up to Creeping Lane that became our summer routine. Less space to connect and play. Less sustained eye contact without someone’s attention darting to a message on a screen.
All of that means more meltdowns, more anxiety, more need for me to stay strong and find a way to hold it all together. To find calm and compassion instead of returning the rage, fear and sadness that's being directed my way. Sometimes I can manage that. And sometimes I can't.
Sometimes I have to forgive myself for not being the patient super-mama I'd like to be - and remind myself that this too isn't really possible.
I've lived 48 years and learnt so many lessons. I'm an experienced and valued coach for mums. I know so many useful tools and strategies that help - and yet, it's still really hard.
Sometimes I can notice what’s happening, and I have the resources to make it better - to create space and connection and joy and play. And sometimes I can’t.
How about you?
Do you need to pause here and remind yourself that your current limitations are only human?
That they're actually a perfectly reasonable response to the situation in which we find ourselves?
Do you need that daily reality check - that you're living through a pandemic, and so are your kids. And although you're all adjusting to this horrible situation we're in, in your own ways (which is an incredible achievement in itself), it isn't “normal”?
This is not what our bodies, or brains, or surroundings, are designed to do. It isn't "normal" to spend so much time in fight, flight or freeze mode. To spend all day cooking, clearing, cleaning, nurturing and teaching kids, supporting those around you in your community through shared crises, trying to keep on top of the chaos at home, all while managing your own fears and anxiety, and trying to meet the impossible expectations of others. Possibly also, while trying to work.
Do you need to let go of an unrealistic image of the "best" way to be handling this situation right now, and instead focus on supporting yourself where you are right now?
Do you need to accept that you're already providing for your family as best you can - knowing that the only way forward is imperfect?
Do you need a reminder that your situation is both uniquely yours - and hard? Or of the truth that you are managing so much right now? More than you should reasonably be expected to face?
And do you need to tell yourself that yes, you’re lucky in so many ways - so many incredible ways - and that doesn't mean that this isn't also hard for you. Or that you need to keep pushing yourself.
Without looking after yourself, you can't possibly help anyone else.
And as mothers, we so often forget how important our own needs are - our needs are worthy of being met, even if we're unable to help another soul right now.
I might need to write that again, because we just don’t hear it enough. Your needs are worthy of being met. And not just your need for sleep, sustenance, and survival. Your deeper needs.
And that remains true, even if you're unable to help another soul right now. Even if society tells you that your only worth lies in caring for others. We don't need to be reminded of that - thank you, society. We do that without even thinking - it's caring for ourselves that too often falls by the wayside. Don't let yourself fall by the wayside today.
Even if all you can offer yourself in this overwhelming time is a few quiet moments at the rim of a teacup.
Feeling its steam on your cheek, breathing in its scent, allowing yourself to really taste it for a moment. As you speak a few kind words to yourself. As you experience the full in breath and out breath. As you roll your shoulders and tilt your neck. As you remind yourself that you are enough.
In fact, the truth is, you are magnificent, even when you feel the complete opposite. Standing amongst the chaos, teacup in hand, with your unbrushed hair and your wild sleep-starved eyes, a child on your hip or still embedded in your heart, the needs of others always tugging at your edges. Breathing in your own power for a moment - before you step back into the fray.
Don't let yourself fall by the wayside today.
Even if all you can offer yourself in this overwhelming time is a few quiet moments at the rim of a teacup. Feeling its steam on your cheek, breathing in its scent, allowing yourself to really taste it for a moment. As you speak a few kind words to yourself. As you experience the full in breath and out breath. As you roll your shoulders and tilt your neck. As you remind yourself that you are enough.
In fact, the truth is, you are magnificent, even when you feel the complete opposite. Standing amongst the chaos, teacup in hand, with your unbrushed hair and your wild sleep-starved eyes, a child on your hip or still embedded in your heart, the needs of others always tugging at your edges. Breathing in your own power for a moment - before you step back into the fray.
Photo by Kira auf der Heide via Unsplash
PS If you'd like some extra inspiration and encouragement throughout 2021 (or just right now), you might appreciate the monthly subscription I've created at Sea Soul Blessings, fuelled by the ocean: A Year of Sea and Kindness.
A year of sea and kindness is a new monthly programme from Sea Soul Blessings. Each month, you'll receive a set of feel-good treats by post and email that encourage you to take regular time out to pause and reflect, to reflect on what you most need, and to practice being kinder to yourself.
There are encouraging and inspiring words, sea meditations to soothe and strengthen you, self compassion practices, tools to gently shift your focus away from mindless scrolling, and a beautiful journal to explore.
Bursaries are available, and I'm loving being able to offer these - so please don't let your current finances be a barrier to taking part. You can find out more at seasoulblessings.com/subscription
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