We had quite a difficult journey towards having my second daughter. I had 3 miscarriages in a year and I felt like my body was broken. Like many women I'd had a mixed relationship with itslooks and now I began to question its function as well.
On Mother's Day I had a positive pregnancy test followed by 8 months of mixed wonder and fear. On 3 separate occasions they took me into a room with tissues as there was a possibility I'd lose her - I had 5 different consultants, for 5 different mistakes my body made including catching slap geek, getting gestational diabetes, having a low-lying placenta, etc etc.
I went from day to day with my toddler, hardly daring to hope. At 8 months a consultant said she needed to be born straight away, she'd stopped moving & my fluid with low. They warned me that because my body wasn't working she needed to be born then but that it might affect her accademically among other things.
After a difficult induction, she was born, small, sleepy, not really moving. She had the cord wrapped twice around her neck. I kept asking if she was ok & the Dr wouldn't reply.
Eventually they told me she needed to go to special baby care & that they'd put her on me to wheel us along the corridor. The moment she touched me I saw a small patch of pink appear on her dark purple body. As I held her it slowly spread like sun breaking through the clouds & I watched her turn pink.
By the time we got to special baby care they told us she had no place there. She was going to be mostly fine without it.
I had spent 2 years being told my body was broken, but I had been magic just for one moment and mended my daughter.
Sometimes on a bad day I watch my happy, funny, bright nearly 3 year old & think 'I did that. I made you and I fixed you.' And I'm a lot easier on my body.